Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Splitting the Train

Fairy tails have things like elves, goblins and magic jewelry, fairy tails are told by women to children. Are you a man who roll plays fairy tails? I have been thinking a lot about hero's lately. Real hero's are always the masculine embodiment of a man, who is alone capable of conquering his world, essentially the hero is an easy to identify masculine ideal. A hero is a romanticized alpha male. Hero's are made when normal men like you are forced into incredible situations (which cause your balls to drop). Incredible situations force you to become the man you always wished you were, and man your father could be proud of.

Whenever I felt like I was loosing focus walking the long hard road of solo game development, I would walk down to the large lake near my house. I would swim as far out as I could, I would swim until I felt like I could go no farther, I would swim until my body forced me to surrender, to give up, to quit. I would swim in the foolish attempt to conquer the instinctive will to survive, in the end I always surrendered to nature and would turn back. When I would finally make it back to the beach, I would pull myself onto the mud and lay and embrace my existence unconcerned or offended by the mud, bugs, stench or my own exhausted lack of breath.

One day my life changed, when I got to the point that I felt that I could swim no farther, I swam farther, I swam until I knew I would be unable to return, I kept swimming, harder and faster, forcing myself forward, weakening my body and strengthening my soul. I had decided that I would conquer survival, this lake was going to be my end, I overcame self preservation, I had chosen certain death by drowning via exhaustion. I swam completely across the lake and instead of pulling myself onto the shore, I walked out of the water. I started to puke, but I refused. My mind triumphed over my body. I defeated self preservation.

Last week I mentioned that the light at the end of the tunnel was actually a train named life careening towards you. I neglected to mention that once you conquer yourself you will become an unmovable blade of incredible density, capable of and destined to split that train named life. Once accomplished, you will be rewarded with the inability to hold a job or every have a normal life. Once you quit the program, once you have crossed that point of no return, that point at the center of the lake, you will find that nothing really matters and that what you believe doesn't really matter to anyone but yourself.

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